The developed mistrust stays permanently
The so-called mistrust, which emerged from the ungratified affection
from the parents during the child’s early years, will remain engraved in
the person’s psyche. Over time, as the child starts to put him/herself
out there in the society as an individual s/he then would be capable of
making his/her own choices, interacts with people as s/he relates to
them daily, e.g. his/her classmates, peers, fraternity mates on his/her
preference. For a time and for another time unconsciously such‘mistrust’ will be repressed regardless of its ways of being
translated into actions. But like any other repressed feeling, it has
its way of regressing in forms of feeling betrayed, feeling unseen,
fear, inferiority, and hatred. It acts like drug addiction, while it
wears off it has its way of coming back that haunts the person no matter
how capable s/he is of moving on. But as it may seem s/he will never get
over it. Unconsciously it reflects who s/he is. Perhaps there would be
ways of managing it. But it will always be there like a hallmark of
his/her own identity as a person.
Given the deep conversation with Informant 1, when asked how he is now
after all of those deeply emotional life episodes he experienced when he
was in his early years as a child, he took a pause and confessed:
“I don’t know, Sir. I’m living, that’s for sure, trying my best
to fulfill my ambitions. But I always feel it. It’s always in my head.
Believe it or not, I’ve tried so many ways already of you know
forgetting it and move forward, and no matter how countless I attend
praise and worships it’s in me. It’s not like I’m depressed about it or
I need help for it, but it just as it is.”
When asked if he already has shared this to someone besides me, he said
that there’s no one else worthy of sharing such; asking him why he
thinks that way, he continued:
“I tried, but oftentimes those people upset me. I think a single
behavior of a person speaks if he is capable of handling and keeping a
secret. Maybe that’s why I never had a best friend, and you know
long-term relationships because I confront the moment I sense that
things won’t be alright, and choose to end it right away. You know I
don’t want to be betrayed or left out or feeling embarrassed.”
Indicatively, such feeling of fear being left out could be associated
with those painful episodes that Informant 1 had experienced in his
childhood, starting from his mother who constantly left him thereby
making him vulnerable to certain painful experiences and that one time
that his father turned his back on him, all making him feel that there
is no one out there who can protect him, such that the mistrust is
further translated to being calculative on other persons’ behaviors that
become indications for him as not worthy of his trust. And the
ungratified affection he unconsciously demanded from his parents becomes
acts of betrayal for him, as in the society ideal parenting is portrayed
as giving the kind of love and affection that the child needs and
deserves vis-à-vis accepting their child no matter what and that each
child is a blessing, but for him, he never had this from both of his
parents. Henceforth, it leaves him unconsciously feeling betrayed by
them, for which his trust had been broken at that time that he was still
unaware of what trust is, and by extension the feeling of not being
chosen contrary to the ideal picture of a parent choosing his child.
Because of this, he feels he can only trust himself and no one else. He
will never get over that betrayal, the feeling of not being chosen. As
he moves on with his life, such remains and acts as a constant
ingredient of his choices, the kind of interaction or relationship he
can give to anyone in his lifetime, and his very own self-perception.
The delicate trail is that the future off moments such as
disappointments and frustrations he may encounter in his life would be
associated with these.
This is partly true in the case of Informant’s 7 and 10, although
however, their experiences were different from that of Informant 1 as
they both had a very strict father who bit them every time they do
something that is against the rules their father had set.
“My father has a horrible temper. I have 6 siblings, all of us
are girls and I’m the youngest. Plenty of times when we were younger
(even now) that our father would bit us whenever we do something that is
not pleasing to him. For instance, I was I think Grade 2 at that time
that I interrupted him while he was talking to our neighbors. I asked
for 5 pesos for my recess at school. That day I was completely unaware
that I upset him, but after school that was the time that he scolded me
telling me that what I did was misbehavior. I said that I was just
asking for a penny for my recess as I was leaving for school at that
time. It got him even more furious so he bit me using his belt and I
cried so hard. That was the first time that I felt that certain anger
towards my father. It has then gotten worst when during my second year
of high school when I came home very late because I hanged out with
friends, of course, I lied when I asked permission from him that morning
that it even made him so angry that he slapped me saying cursed words to
me. That’s why I don’t blame why our eldest chose to marry so early and
my other sibling left home after high school because we never felt loved
by our very own father.”-Informant 7
When asked if they hate their fathers, their responses implied that what
pissed them off is that they could not understand why. Being
overprotective because they are all girls meant nothing to Informant 7,
sounding that it’s not enough reason for the way their father is being a
father to them; and for Informant 8,
“It’s not only about the beating, it’s the fact that it’s being
done to you by your father”.
Because of this, the fear that emerged during their childhood towards
their father remains and is further extended to Informant 7’s fear
towards men, that she never had a boyfriend and that whenever he sees a
man with the same statue as his father she feels that fear right away.
What’s crucial in Informant 7’s case is that she tends to associate men
as figures like his father all capable of beating her, thereby
unconsciously controls her behavior making her closed her doors and sets
that wall on her, which is quite noticeable with her choice of friends
who are all girls.
“Our eldest and my younger sister were valedictorians in their
respective batches, and my parents have always been outspokenly proud.
We have so many medals in our house but none of those is mine. I’m not
intelligent, not even an honor student. I remember how excited my
parents were during my kuya’s graduation in elementary, but during my
time after that year, I only had one ribbon (the one that says
‘graduate’). I never heard anything from my parents. They never scolded
me for being a low achiever, but I could sense through their actions
that it’s different when they interact with my siblings. With them,
there seems to be exciting but to me, it’s just bland. At some point way
back in high school, I tried to be on the honor’s list but I was unable
to do it, tried to have a placement in the student body four times but
failed at having a spot; joined a quiz bowl once but didn’t make it, my
younger sibling managed to become the champion at that time. I’m not
intelligent.”
-Informant 9
Informant 9’s whole confession implied that she associated that
affection she unconsciously needed from her parents in her earlier years
and even now to achievements in school like what her siblings do. The
thing that she could never be as intelligent as her siblings give her an
impression that she could never get that kind of affection coming from
her parents to her. As she added, she often feels intimidated by her
smart classmates with the way she behaves during group works in which
there was that particular activity in class wherein all groups would
have to express their collective ideas about a certain topic, that t
became suddenly apparent through her gestures that she wanted to add
more to what their group leader shared. When her attention was called,
she just said “No further addition Sir” . It felt at that time
that she wanted to add something but was too hesitant to share, which
normally happens to a lot of students. It did not only was noticeable
once but throughout the semester with all of the group works, which is
different from how compelling, aggressively opinionated she is in
individual academic papers like she is a completely different person in
her writings. It seemed that she is inferior to herself, that anyone
acting smart becomes a reminder to her that she is no good compared to
her younger siblings and that she is not enough. She has gotten used to
the idea that she is not intelligent that she doesn’t know her
intelligence. When asked about her siblings’ achievements she then
shared that her elder sister was the editor-in-chief during their high
school days and had competed in regional levels for campus journalism.
The idea of her inclining writing appears unbelievable to her as her
sister is blatantly good at it, not to mention the awards. It appears
that her inferiority revolves around her self-established thought that
there is no spotlight for her and her talent.
“My mother became different when my brother was born. I could not
understand her in those days eventually even now as I often find myself
loathing her. It was like she was always angry, irritable, and easily
agitated that I even witnessed her a couple of times pinching my brother
late at night for crying endlessly. Then woke me up blaming for it which
made me feel guilty. There was even a time that she fought with my uncle
that she just blurted out of proportion and screamed. And one thing that
I could not seem to forget was that she slapped me for not being able to
find the blanket that she asked me to find, that was the first; then
another time when I could not find something (I can any longer remember
what that was). Yes, my mother slapped on my face not once but twice
when I was a kid. And I will never forget that”.
-Informant 10
The slapping moments left a certain wound in Informant 10 that till this
day she could not seem to get over with, as reflected with her facial
expression, the sigh for a few seconds, and the blank stare for a
moment . The mark gave a lasting effect to her because her mother became
its total opposite at that period when slapping is not normally being
experienced by children as a form of punishment by the parents. When
asked how long did that ‘depression last’ , Informant 10 shared
that she could no longer remember exactly when since up until this point
she still feels that seemingly repressed anger to her mother. She even
added that if only she has a choice she would have wanted to get away
and leave her behind. The thing about Informant 10 is that she never has
gotten over the anger that she has had to his mother since that period
of her life. Perhaps at that time, she was unconscious of that said
anger because it could be sensed to her that she understood that her
mother was going through a tough time in that period. But that anger
elevated to a form of hatred that affected the way she sees and relates
to her mother at this point of maturity.
Perhaps her mother was able to surpass it years after and is well now
but she could not notice because of that engraved feeling she has
towards her. What’s critical is that where else would this repressed
feeling be translated? And the possible impact it may give to her when
she becomes a mother to her child or when faces a sort of vulnerability
in the future. Upon conception, as the child approaches the world, the
senses gradually activate as they process things vis-à-vis John Locke’s’tabula rasa’ theory, predisposing that individuals are born
without built-in mental content, and therefore all knowledge comes from
experience or perception (Duschinsky, 2012).