The unconscious un-gratifying of affection unconsciously demanded by the child from the parents is the building block of mistrust
The affection comes in varying degrees, when translated to actions towards the child and when it’s being the child itself. It’s relayed as caring for the child as it came out from the mother’s womb, it is at most indicated by the way the mother held the infant and provides the needs. It must be noted though that infant’s language is through crying no matter what and how it feels- feeling hungry, uncomfortable, uneasy, or just merely wanting to say anything but is only limited to crying it out due to the natural inability to utter words at this state. Hence, the emotional state of the mother at this point is of utmost critical for if it’s positive then the actuation of the said affection wouldn’t be absent or limited and that the infant unconsciously feels that it gets the degree of affection demanded from the mother. However, if the disposition is the other way around for reasons like the said pregnancy had been a troubling episode all along for the mother may it be physical or emotional, and then it would create problems on translating the kind of affection that had been demanded.
This demanded affection unconsciously becomes the building block of the development of trust in the child (trust towards people, trust within the self). If the kind of affection demanded by the infant had been responsively gratified and delivered by the mother, it gives an impression on the child that s/he would be secured all along because there is someone who gets him/her and by extension, someone s/he could confide every time there are certain needs that at least one person can give. This builds the capacity to trust someone or certain people and him/herself later on in approaching the real world, that whatever may happen there is someone to rely on. However, if such affection has not been felt, then it unconsciously creates a block, in rippling effect, on the capacity to trust, making the person withdrawn and isolated and eventually develop extreme self-reliance all along, for it gives the impression that no one out there is going to get him/her- what s/he wants and demands from people as an individual, like in the case of Informant 1.
“My mother was in college when she became pregnant. She comes from a very poor family with 10 siblings. Being one of the elder ones, she had the responsibility of helping the family. Her education was a sort of charity from her aunties as a working student all along, transferring from one aunt to another just to make her education possible. Then she met my father, as one of the tenants of her aunt’s boardinghouse in Cebu, who was also her distant relative. For a time they developed a kind of closeness that later on became unorthodox. Then month’s after my mother became pregnant. Certainly not the right timing for both of them especially to my mother and at the same time the shame that it caused for they were relatives. It was ultimately emotionally torturing for my mother. So by the time that I was born, my mother decided to go back to school and left me and carried on with her life as it happened, and only got me at that time that she felt she was ready.”
When asked about the matter of trust, Informant 1 vividly responded that he is extremely independent and relies on himself so heavily all the time, implying that he trusts no one but himself.
“I prefer to keep everything to myself. I don’t know but it’s just that I’m comfortable that way. It’s like I just think that people have ways of ruing things.”
Observably, Informant 1 most of the time isolates himself from the rest of the group, and when asked why he simply responded that he’s shy. He thinks that people may not understand him or judge him as he believes to himself that he’s different. At first sight, he certainly is not a confident type of person, and at all situations, as he added he could not control doubting himself in all situations, and this has been constantly indicated in-class activities like the way he presents himself during recitations and report presentations. He always sounded as if he’s unsure of his answers than even his ideas in those moments that he is asked to share.
Informant 1 described himself as an unseen character, and for him, he’s comfortable that way. Interestingly he added that there are types of people down the road- the winner or those people who keep on winning at everything; the wanter, those who keep on wanting even it means stamping people on the feet; the lucky ones, whom he described as the lucky ones who get things without even doing anything; and the unseen characters, those which people tend or choose to not see.
“Summer of 2011, I came to my father’s house for a visit. His wife and children (my half-brother and sister) were kind enough to welcome me at home. So I took a visit and agreed to spend the night. It was awkward, but it wasn’t just that. At the table during breakfast the morning after which was our first decent encounter because he kept on going in and out of the house when I came, he asked me about how I was at school and anything just to start a conversation, but then he said ‘Medyo ipagahi lang nato gamay atong inisturyahan’ (Translation: Let’s just be a little stiff when we talk a little bit). They all laughed as it was like a joke or something, but I never felt that embarrassed about all my life. You see, Sir I’m gay, and being soft-spoken and modest is my nature. I was so ashamed of myself at that moment, and even now I still do. So right after breakfast, I wanted to go home while outside the house he just said ‘naa ray motor diha huwati lang’ (Translation: just wait for a motorcycle there) then he turned his back, and the memory of that keeps on haunting me since. Every time I remember that I still feel the hurt and how it crippled me.”
These confessions implied that Informant 1 did not receive the kind of affection he unconsciously needed from both of his parents, beginning at that time that his mother was too young and unprepared to rear him given the delicate situation there was plus that first and last personal interaction with his father indicating that he did not feel accepted for who he is as a person. All these have their way of negatively influencing him distrusting other people resulting in withdrawal and preference to isolation and the constant doubting of his very own self, seeing his very own self as the unseen character. When asked how it feels growing up with his mother, he described his mother as someone who controls his behaviors and worries too much about him, which turned out to be his ultimate reason for wanting to live separately ever since college, as such is suffocating as he described it.
“When I went on for college, I took it as my chance of finally getting rid of her (his mother). So I do not go home that often compared to my board mates and friends, except if it’s Christmas, you know out of respect and I cannot bear staying at home for more than 3 days with them. I’d rather just be on my own.”
Similarly, Informants 4, 5, and 6 also find it difficult at establishing trust in people. As they looked back, like Informant 1, their parents have also let them down during their childhood.
“I don’t trust people easily. When I was a child, I have a painful experience with my father. I assumed that he would protect me but he was very cruel instead.”-Informant 4
She further added that as a person she is dominantly cautious, that most of the time she weighs things as it could and consider if things would be beneficial for her which sometimes she finds herself creating her set of criteria on what she considers as right or wrong. Observably Informant 1 is very reserved and only interacts with a few people in the class. And when asked if she could rate as to how much she knows herself, she gave a rating of 6, adding that for most of the time, despite being too reserved and cautious, she remains unsure about her personality. As she described her parents, she shared that all along as she grows up her mother’s attention has been seemingly devoted to his brother, making her find solace in her playing all by herself. She always feels no affection from her mother and her father is too strict which gives too many restrictions over her.
“I do not trust a person easily. It takes time for me to trust a person because I feel like I have to know them better first and know their qualities for me to assess if they are to be trusted. Because I’m a bit of an over-thinker and will think that they are just going to break my trust. That is why I became self-reliant.”-Informant 5
He thinks of himself as dominantly cautious, that although he always says to himself that he should not care at all because it won’t matter but as he described it he could control his mind of contradicting it. He feels like someone is always watching him when he is in a crowded place fearing that people will judge him in anyways.
“I always fear change and doing something different. I always feel guilty even if I made nothing wrong and it was another person’s fault.”
This had been indicated by the way he behaves himself during group works. Mostly he slouched when I make the class groups select a leader. And at one time that he was selected, he seemed to bother right at the start of the work till it was finished. Growing up his parents have too much restriction and too little affection towards him, sharing that they always demand him to follow everything that they say. It was suffocating, he said, despite that at some point he tried his best to understand them. Looking back, he believes that he missed a lot in his childhood and teen-aged life (comparing his self from others).
“I don’t trust people easily. Because I think that people don’t take me seriously, I seem so unimportant to them. They find me uninteresting. Actually, I can sense it, when I’m around their actions are limited, they become more cautious and sometimes I feel like I’m the center of their conversations, that’s why I often distance myself from people. I always tend to limit my actions because I’m more concerned about how people will react. My consciousness tells me I’m not worth it and that I lack something that will make me achieve more success.”-Informant 6
In the case of Informant 6, his mistrust is rooted in his personal belief that he’s different and that no one seems to get her, given the kind of behaviors portrayed by people when she is around, resulting in her being very cautious of her actions and behaviors worrying of how people would take it, implying that her self-esteem is low. When asked about the way her parents deal with her, she then shared that they impose too many restrictions and that playing with other children outside had always been limited. Of such, it could be drawn that perhaps because of this kind of restriction that growing up Informant 6 becomes unsure of her very own behaviors in dealing with people fearing that it may not be accepted as she is unsure of how people outside their home behave daily and that in anything that she does her parents are the only ones who could validate. But arguably, parents could not stay with her at every second by the time she’s going to school, and such solitary behavior is often associated by teachers as a desirable behavior of behaving, not realizing that unconsciously there’s no in the room that no can say that in any behavior she choose to exhibit, no one is there to validate unless she’s at home. But at home, her parents are already used to her behaviors, and that there is no chance at all to do validation.