The developed mistrust stays permanently
The so-called mistrust, which emerged from the ungratified affection from the parents during the child’s early years, will remain engraved in the person’s psyche. Over time, as the child starts to put him/herself out there in the society as an individual s/he then would be capable of making his/her own choices, interacts with people as s/he relates to them daily, e.g. his/her classmates, peers, fraternity mates on his/her preference. For a time and for another time unconsciously such‘mistrust’ will be repressed regardless of its ways of being translated into actions. But like any other repressed feeling, it has its way of regressing in forms of feeling betrayed, feeling unseen, fear, inferiority, and hatred. It acts like drug addiction, while it wears off it has its way of coming back that haunts the person no matter how capable s/he is of moving on. But as it may seem s/he will never get over it. Unconsciously it reflects who s/he is. Perhaps there would be ways of managing it. But it will always be there like a hallmark of his/her own identity as a person.
Given the deep conversation with Informant 1, when asked how he is now after all of those deeply emotional life episodes he experienced when he was in his early years as a child, he took a pause and confessed:
“I don’t know, Sir. I’m living, that’s for sure, trying my best to fulfill my ambitions. But I always feel it. It’s always in my head. Believe it or not, I’ve tried so many ways already of you know forgetting it and move forward, and no matter how countless I attend praise and worships it’s in me. It’s not like I’m depressed about it or I need help for it, but it just as it is.”
When asked if he already has shared this to someone besides me, he said that there’s no one else worthy of sharing such; asking him why he thinks that way, he continued:
“I tried, but oftentimes those people upset me. I think a single behavior of a person speaks if he is capable of handling and keeping a secret. Maybe that’s why I never had a best friend, and you know long-term relationships because I confront the moment I sense that things won’t be alright, and choose to end it right away. You know I don’t want to be betrayed or left out or feeling embarrassed.”
Indicatively, such feeling of fear being left out could be associated with those painful episodes that Informant 1 had experienced in his childhood, starting from his mother who constantly left him thereby making him vulnerable to certain painful experiences and that one time that his father turned his back on him, all making him feel that there is no one out there who can protect him, such that the mistrust is further translated to being calculative on other persons’ behaviors that become indications for him as not worthy of his trust. And the ungratified affection he unconsciously demanded from his parents becomes acts of betrayal for him, as in the society ideal parenting is portrayed as giving the kind of love and affection that the child needs and deserves vis-à-vis accepting their child no matter what and that each child is a blessing, but for him, he never had this from both of his parents. Henceforth, it leaves him unconsciously feeling betrayed by them, for which his trust had been broken at that time that he was still unaware of what trust is, and by extension the feeling of not being chosen contrary to the ideal picture of a parent choosing his child. Because of this, he feels he can only trust himself and no one else. He will never get over that betrayal, the feeling of not being chosen. As he moves on with his life, such remains and acts as a constant ingredient of his choices, the kind of interaction or relationship he can give to anyone in his lifetime, and his very own self-perception. The delicate trail is that the future off moments such as disappointments and frustrations he may encounter in his life would be associated with these.
This is partly true in the case of Informant’s 7 and 10, although however, their experiences were different from that of Informant 1 as they both had a very strict father who bit them every time they do something that is against the rules their father had set.
“My father has a horrible temper. I have 6 siblings, all of us are girls and I’m the youngest. Plenty of times when we were younger (even now) that our father would bit us whenever we do something that is not pleasing to him. For instance, I was I think Grade 2 at that time that I interrupted him while he was talking to our neighbors. I asked for 5 pesos for my recess at school. That day I was completely unaware that I upset him, but after school that was the time that he scolded me telling me that what I did was misbehavior. I said that I was just asking for a penny for my recess as I was leaving for school at that time. It got him even more furious so he bit me using his belt and I cried so hard. That was the first time that I felt that certain anger towards my father. It has then gotten worst when during my second year of high school when I came home very late because I hanged out with friends, of course, I lied when I asked permission from him that morning that it even made him so angry that he slapped me saying cursed words to me. That’s why I don’t blame why our eldest chose to marry so early and my other sibling left home after high school because we never felt loved by our very own father.”-Informant 7
When asked if they hate their fathers, their responses implied that what pissed them off is that they could not understand why. Being overprotective because they are all girls meant nothing to Informant 7, sounding that it’s not enough reason for the way their father is being a father to them; and for Informant 8,
“It’s not only about the beating, it’s the fact that it’s being done to you by your father”.
Because of this, the fear that emerged during their childhood towards their father remains and is further extended to Informant 7’s fear towards men, that she never had a boyfriend and that whenever he sees a man with the same statue as his father she feels that fear right away. What’s crucial in Informant 7’s case is that she tends to associate men as figures like his father all capable of beating her, thereby unconsciously controls her behavior making her closed her doors and sets that wall on her, which is quite noticeable with her choice of friends who are all girls.
“Our eldest and my younger sister were valedictorians in their respective batches, and my parents have always been outspokenly proud. We have so many medals in our house but none of those is mine. I’m not intelligent, not even an honor student. I remember how excited my parents were during my kuya’s graduation in elementary, but during my time after that year, I only had one ribbon (the one that says ‘graduate’). I never heard anything from my parents. They never scolded me for being a low achiever, but I could sense through their actions that it’s different when they interact with my siblings. With them, there seems to be exciting but to me, it’s just bland. At some point way back in high school, I tried to be on the honor’s list but I was unable to do it, tried to have a placement in the student body four times but failed at having a spot; joined a quiz bowl once but didn’t make it, my younger sibling managed to become the champion at that time. I’m not intelligent.”
-Informant 9
Informant 9’s whole confession implied that she associated that affection she unconsciously needed from her parents in her earlier years and even now to achievements in school like what her siblings do. The thing that she could never be as intelligent as her siblings give her an impression that she could never get that kind of affection coming from her parents to her. As she added, she often feels intimidated by her smart classmates with the way she behaves during group works in which there was that particular activity in class wherein all groups would have to express their collective ideas about a certain topic, that t became suddenly apparent through her gestures that she wanted to add more to what their group leader shared. When her attention was called, she just said “No further addition Sir” . It felt at that time that she wanted to add something but was too hesitant to share, which normally happens to a lot of students. It did not only was noticeable once but throughout the semester with all of the group works, which is different from how compelling, aggressively opinionated she is in individual academic papers like she is a completely different person in her writings. It seemed that she is inferior to herself, that anyone acting smart becomes a reminder to her that she is no good compared to her younger siblings and that she is not enough. She has gotten used to the idea that she is not intelligent that she doesn’t know her intelligence. When asked about her siblings’ achievements she then shared that her elder sister was the editor-in-chief during their high school days and had competed in regional levels for campus journalism. The idea of her inclining writing appears unbelievable to her as her sister is blatantly good at it, not to mention the awards. It appears that her inferiority revolves around her self-established thought that there is no spotlight for her and her talent.
“My mother became different when my brother was born. I could not understand her in those days eventually even now as I often find myself loathing her. It was like she was always angry, irritable, and easily agitated that I even witnessed her a couple of times pinching my brother late at night for crying endlessly. Then woke me up blaming for it which made me feel guilty. There was even a time that she fought with my uncle that she just blurted out of proportion and screamed. And one thing that I could not seem to forget was that she slapped me for not being able to find the blanket that she asked me to find, that was the first; then another time when I could not find something (I can any longer remember what that was). Yes, my mother slapped on my face not once but twice when I was a kid. And I will never forget that”.
-Informant 10
The slapping moments left a certain wound in Informant 10 that till this day she could not seem to get over with, as reflected with her facial expression, the sigh for a few seconds, and the blank stare for a moment . The mark gave a lasting effect to her because her mother became its total opposite at that period when slapping is not normally being experienced by children as a form of punishment by the parents. When asked how long did that ‘depression last’ , Informant 10 shared that she could no longer remember exactly when since up until this point she still feels that seemingly repressed anger to her mother. She even added that if only she has a choice she would have wanted to get away and leave her behind. The thing about Informant 10 is that she never has gotten over the anger that she has had to his mother since that period of her life. Perhaps at that time, she was unconscious of that said anger because it could be sensed to her that she understood that her mother was going through a tough time in that period. But that anger elevated to a form of hatred that affected the way she sees and relates to her mother at this point of maturity.
Perhaps her mother was able to surpass it years after and is well now but she could not notice because of that engraved feeling she has towards her. What’s critical is that where else would this repressed feeling be translated? And the possible impact it may give to her when she becomes a mother to her child or when faces a sort of vulnerability in the future. Upon conception, as the child approaches the world, the senses gradually activate as they process things vis-à-vis John Locke’s’tabula rasa’ theory, predisposing that individuals are born without built-in mental content, and therefore all knowledge comes from experience or perception (Duschinsky, 2012).