The unconscious un-gratifying of affection unconsciously
demanded by the child from the parents is the building block of
mistrust
The affection comes in varying degrees, when translated to actions
towards the child and when it’s being the child itself. It’s relayed as
caring for the child as it came out from the mother’s womb, it is at
most indicated by the way the mother held the infant and provides the
needs. It must be noted though that infant’s language is through crying
no matter what and how it feels- feeling hungry, uncomfortable, uneasy,
or just merely wanting to say anything but is only limited to crying it
out due to the natural inability to utter words at this state. Hence,
the emotional state of the mother at this point is of utmost critical
for if it’s positive then the actuation of the said affection wouldn’t
be absent or limited and that the infant unconsciously feels that it
gets the degree of affection demanded from the mother. However, if the
disposition is the other way around for reasons like the said pregnancy
had been a troubling episode all along for the mother may it be physical
or emotional, and then it would create problems on translating the kind
of affection that had been demanded.
This demanded affection unconsciously becomes the building block of the
development of trust in the child (trust towards people, trust within
the self). If the kind of affection demanded by the infant had been
responsively gratified and delivered by the mother, it gives an
impression on the child that s/he would be secured all along because
there is someone who gets him/her and by extension, someone s/he could
confide every time there are certain needs that at least one person can
give. This builds the capacity to trust someone or certain people and
him/herself later on in approaching the real world, that whatever may
happen there is someone to rely on. However, if such affection has not
been felt, then it unconsciously creates a block, in rippling effect, on
the capacity to trust, making the person withdrawn and isolated and
eventually develop extreme self-reliance all along, for it gives the
impression that no one out there is going to get him/her- what s/he
wants and demands from people as an individual, like in the case of
Informant 1.
“My mother was in college when she became pregnant. She comes
from a very poor family with 10 siblings. Being one of the elder ones,
she had the responsibility of helping the family. Her education was a
sort of charity from her aunties as a working student all along,
transferring from one aunt to another just to make her education
possible. Then she met my father, as one of the tenants of her aunt’s
boardinghouse in Cebu, who was also her distant relative. For a time
they developed a kind of closeness that later on became unorthodox. Then
month’s after my mother became pregnant. Certainly not the right timing
for both of them especially to my mother and at the same time the shame
that it caused for they were relatives. It was ultimately emotionally
torturing for my mother. So by the time that I was born, my mother
decided to go back to school and left me and carried on with her life as
it happened, and only got me at that time that she felt she was
ready.”
When asked about the matter of trust, Informant 1 vividly responded that
he is extremely independent and relies on himself so heavily all the
time, implying that he trusts no one but himself.
“I prefer to keep everything to myself. I don’t know but it’s
just that I’m comfortable that way. It’s like I just think that people
have ways of ruing things.”
Observably, Informant 1 most of the time isolates himself from the rest
of the group, and when asked why he simply responded that he’s shy. He
thinks that people may not understand him or judge him as he believes to
himself that he’s different. At first sight, he certainly is not a
confident type of person, and at all situations, as he added he could
not control doubting himself in all situations, and this has been
constantly indicated in-class activities like the way he presents
himself during recitations and report presentations. He always sounded
as if he’s unsure of his answers than even his ideas in those moments
that he is asked to share.
Informant 1 described himself as an unseen character, and for him, he’s
comfortable that way. Interestingly he added that there are types of
people down the road- the winner or those people who keep on winning at
everything; the wanter, those who keep on wanting even it means stamping
people on the feet; the lucky ones, whom he described as the lucky ones
who get things without even doing anything; and the unseen characters,
those which people tend or choose to not see.
“Summer of 2011, I came to my father’s house for a visit. His
wife and children (my half-brother and sister) were kind enough to
welcome me at home. So I took a visit and agreed to spend the night. It
was awkward, but it wasn’t just that. At the table during breakfast the
morning after which was our first decent encounter because he kept on
going in and out of the house when I came, he asked me about how I was
at school and anything just to start a conversation, but then he said
‘Medyo ipagahi lang nato gamay atong inisturyahan’ (Translation: Let’s
just be a little stiff when we talk a little bit). They all laughed as
it was like a joke or something, but I never felt that embarrassed about
all my life. You see, Sir I’m gay, and being soft-spoken and modest is
my nature. I was so ashamed of myself at that moment, and even now I
still do. So right after breakfast, I wanted to go home while outside
the house he just said ‘naa ray motor diha huwati lang’ (Translation:
just wait for a motorcycle there) then he turned his back, and the
memory of that keeps on haunting me since. Every time I remember that I
still feel the hurt and how it crippled me.”
These confessions implied that Informant 1 did not receive the kind of
affection he unconsciously needed from both of his parents, beginning at
that time that his mother was too young and unprepared to rear him given
the delicate situation there was plus that first and last personal
interaction with his father indicating that he did not feel accepted for
who he is as a person. All these have their way of negatively
influencing him distrusting other people resulting in withdrawal and
preference to isolation and the constant doubting of his very own self,
seeing his very own self as the unseen character. When asked how it
feels growing up with his mother, he described his mother as someone who
controls his behaviors and worries too much about him, which turned out
to be his ultimate reason for wanting to live separately ever since
college, as such is suffocating as he described it.
“When I went on for college, I took it as my chance of finally
getting rid of her (his mother). So I do not go home that often compared
to my board mates and friends, except if it’s Christmas, you know out of
respect and I cannot bear staying at home for more than 3 days with
them. I’d rather just be on my own.”
Similarly, Informants 4, 5, and 6 also find it difficult at establishing
trust in people. As they looked back, like Informant 1, their parents
have also let them down during their childhood.
“I don’t trust people easily. When I was a child, I have a
painful experience with my father. I assumed that he would protect me
but he was very cruel instead.”-Informant 4
She further added that as a person she is dominantly cautious, that most
of the time she weighs things as it could and consider if things would
be beneficial for her which sometimes she finds herself creating her set
of criteria on what she considers as right or wrong. Observably
Informant 1 is very reserved and only interacts with a few people in the
class. And when asked if she could rate as to how much she knows
herself, she gave a rating of 6, adding that for most of the time,
despite being too reserved and cautious, she remains unsure about her
personality. As she described her parents, she shared that all along as
she grows up her mother’s attention has been seemingly devoted to his
brother, making her find solace in her playing all by herself. She
always feels no affection from her mother and her father is too strict
which gives too many restrictions over her.
“I do not trust a person easily. It takes time for me to trust a
person because I feel like I have to know them better first and know
their qualities for me to assess if they are to be trusted. Because I’m
a bit of an over-thinker and will think that they are just going to
break my trust. That is why I became self-reliant.”-Informant 5
He thinks of himself as dominantly cautious, that although he always
says to himself that he should not care at all because it won’t matter
but as he described it he could control his mind of contradicting it. He
feels like someone is always watching him when he is in a crowded place
fearing that people will judge him in anyways.
“I always fear change and doing something different. I always
feel guilty even if I made nothing wrong and it was another person’s
fault.”
This had been indicated by the way he behaves himself during group
works. Mostly he slouched when I make the class groups select a leader.
And at one time that he was selected, he seemed to bother right at the
start of the work till it was finished. Growing up his parents have too
much restriction and too little affection towards him, sharing that they
always demand him to follow everything that they say. It was
suffocating, he said, despite that at some point he tried his best to
understand them. Looking back, he believes that he missed a lot in his
childhood and teen-aged life (comparing his self from others).
“I don’t trust people easily. Because I think that people don’t
take me seriously, I seem so unimportant to them. They find me
uninteresting. Actually, I can sense it, when I’m around their actions
are limited, they become more cautious and sometimes I feel like I’m the
center of their conversations, that’s why I often distance myself from
people. I always tend to limit my actions because I’m more concerned
about how people will react. My consciousness tells me I’m not worth it
and that I lack something that will make me achieve more success.”-Informant 6
In the case of Informant 6, his mistrust is rooted in his personal
belief that he’s different and that no one seems to get her, given the
kind of behaviors portrayed by people when she is around, resulting in
her being very cautious of her actions and behaviors worrying of how
people would take it, implying that her self-esteem is low. When asked
about the way her parents deal with her, she then shared that they
impose too many restrictions and that playing with other children
outside had always been limited. Of such, it could be drawn that perhaps
because of this kind of restriction that growing up Informant 6 becomes
unsure of her very own behaviors in dealing with people fearing that it
may not be accepted as she is unsure of how people outside their home
behave daily and that in anything that she does her parents are the only
ones who could validate. But arguably, parents could not stay with her
at every second by the time she’s going to school, and such solitary
behavior is often associated by teachers as a desirable behavior of
behaving, not realizing that unconsciously there’s no in the room that
no can say that in any behavior she choose to exhibit, no one is there
to validate unless she’s at home. But at home, her parents are already
used to her behaviors, and that there is no chance at all to do
validation.